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12:17 a.m. - 03.03.03 Things I will miss most, as of right now? In no particular order, teasing Jimbo, Dan and Andrew talking in accents, listening to Ali say smart things, hearing Tom make cute little meow sounds and him touching my chin and patting my hair, playing Diablo, the time wasting / problem-thinking-emotional-avoidance master of all things, Adam trying to feed me things and saying that I need to be more "pudgy," things that smell like Doug, and sitting on Doug's bed with people and feeling safe and at home and like nothing much matters at the moment. Thank you everyone at Ursinus for such a lovely visit. I came home feeling pleased as punch, and was surprised at the door by my mother and grandparents and the announcement that it "is a good thing that I got home when I did" because everyone was going to be arriving soon for a small get-together of family who want to see me before I leave. It was good fun, and there was lots of fruit and vegetables for all. If still somewhat confused about certain things and angry about certain others. Honestly now though, I'm going away for 5 months, and they shouldn't be on my mind, no matter how much my current mind wants them to be. What should be? Gaining Experience, that thing that was so important to me when I made the decision to study abroad in the first place. Learning about myself through something other than "pointless self-introspection" or any other equivalent term. Learning that I am independant, or that I am not. I was, and think that I still am to at least some degree, but the accusation that I am not has led me into a downward spiral of doubt. But maybe I'm not; the point is that I will be. Even if I did choose CIEE, the apparently study abroad equivalent of a big ol' hand-holder. There is, though, a difference between being independant and being lost and confused in a country you are not exactly familiar with. Learning this is supposed to be about that, right, not just about having fun on an uber-special extended form of summer vacation? From what I hear from those already in country, the classes aren't bad, but I want to gain something from this that isn't just a whole bunch of (hopefully) fun, loneliness, fleeting aquaintances and a (also hopefully) like of things tasting like fish. I want something of importance. And maybe that is just my idealistic Aquarian wanna make the world deep and special coming through, but I don't think that it is too much to ask for. Well, my writing is being confused with talking to people on IM, so I will continue this later. Ja! mata ne!
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