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2:46 p.m. - 02.05.03 conscious, become subconscious, because you are wrong. I love two journals, because they make me copy and paste. Anyway. Fact #1: I see the decision to come to Japan as one of the first that I have made on my own, against my conservative side which told me that safe was the way to go, that I should stay at Ursinus and be happy and watch my friends graduate. This decision has led to some of the most amazing and happy things in my life so far, and has taught me that I can trust my intuition. This has had some strange and decidedly disastrous effects on my life, some of which most of you already know about and which I will refrain from repeating in this entry. Now, I am not pretending that this decision was the sole cause of these events, nor that I played a part in them - far from it - however, it was certainly a large factor that I could not at the time come to grips with or control. but rewind, and this leads me back to the belief that I should have trusted what the flow was telling me and not just fallen. Moving ON! But I am not upset anymore. Which is a lie - it's impossible to just make yourself not upset. But, I have taken measures and have a plan. A plan, you say! She's got a plan! Now, it's not a good plan, but it's my plan - I planned it myself. I'm gonna go live on Fiji, and open up a hotdog and sweets shop, and get a sheep and a cow and breed horses. Oh, wait, that's Lister's plan. My plan is somewhat different, although I think that I need something more positive, like the Fiji plan. Not that my plan isn't positive, nay, glowingly so! The plan is...the plan is...the plan is...well, it's a formless mass of words in my head that have not yet been formally defined. But it is positive, it is self-orientated, and it is wonderful. It is just the thing to get me yo where I want to be, it is just the thing to get me beyond where I am now. Find access to all that potential, and then USE IT, make something grand. Right now I am acting, I think, to a very small amount of my potential. For a long time this has bothered me. It is not really on an academic level, although that is certainly part of it. rather, it is on a sort of whole collective level - interaction, academics, self-consciousness, consciousness, Everything. Here I can breathe - there I can breathe, and have had breath... It is the same, because I am the same. but it should be different. It is a possibility, I know, and you feel it and I feel it constantly and it seems to come in cycles that you never learn anything from. So, then you say the cycles STOP and this is new, but it is not original, it is not creative. And neither is this, and neither am I. But it is my plan. It should, though, be different. amazingly significantly different. i should feel it, there should be presence. It should be Experience, not experience, it should be Thought instead of just thought. I expect a lot for a person who experiences life as a pillow, when she wants it to be sharp pointy things involving much dodging and activity. With the kids sing out the future. O! and now, for the side note - You cannot make someone talk to you, or even make friendship noises in your direction (more specifically, respond to your email, or ims, goshdarnit). You can only hope that if they ever want to be friends with you again they will respond in due time. I guess that that is a threat, only I'm not very good at it :). I may not be able to carry it out indefinitely, but it is the only way I have right now to make myself feel better in this respect, and since this respect is causing me a bit of trouble, I have to do something. So there :p. But forget all that. It is not positive. Its amazing out there, and I am missing it.
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