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3:01 a.m. - 21.02.03 I have this urge inside me to listen to music I haven't listened to in a long time, old favorites. I think that it was triggered by hearing The Who's join together on the radio a bit ago, and furthered by hearing Patti Smith's Dancing Barefoot tonight, coupled with the feeling of nostalgia I am feeling for simpler times. So, from here it's really boring, and I give you permission to stop reading :) It proves that I should not stay up late unless I am having four o'clock fun. I just wrote a long little diatribe about things that I feel uncomfortable writing in here. And none of that "this is my diary, I can say what I want" stuff, because saying mean things about what I am thinking right now is not something I want to do right now. Just because someone has the option of not reading something does not mean that it becomes any less hurtful to them when they do, nor does it protect you from the effects that what you write might have on anyone who reads what you have written. If you want to share your life online, then you take the risk of people reacting to what you post in whatever manner they choose to interpret it, and having to deal with their feelings (this is especially true if you know the people involved personally) - whether that be through email, guestbook entries, IMs, or offline anger. If you say things that can be hurtful and take responsibility for them, then ok. My diary doesn't come with a disclaimer, because I don't think that it is neessary. There's no point in saying things like, this is my diary, if you don't like what I say, you can fuck off because you can't do anything about it because these are my feelings etc. If you say hurtful things about people you have to take the consequences. It is naive to think that people can act as if nothing happened just because of a disclaimer. And, well, this amounts to the fact that I think that people should talk to each other rather than write their problems out in diaries. At least email, you know? Maybe that amounts to, at least private, you know? *sigh* oh, I don't know at all. Silly being able to see all sides of an arguement. he he he instead of having a personal diatribe I have ended up with that little one : ). Ah well. So anyway, enter the speeches. I think that I am myself. I don't always feel myself changing. So when someone tells me that I have changed I don't understand. There's just me, this driving, constant force. I mean, I can see where I have become more bitter and cynical, sort of mean, maybe, more childish, and less open to feeling everything. And maybe this is a defense mechanism to keep me from thinking about painful things, which seem to just keep amounting. or maybe its because my mother told me that there is no sense in dwelling on things that make you sad if you cannot change them. I don't really know. I would not have put myself into this situation again if things had not looked like they were going to be better this time around. I am not stupid for making the decisions that I have made, no matter what my head is telling me now. And I am not stupid for not wanting to give up something that had so much potential, something that seemed so good. Do I live a drifty, meaningless existance? If the fact that I don't make decisions until I have to means that I am a bad person, then I guess I am. If the fact that I leave a great deal up to chance is a bad thing, well, then it is. I make decisions, and am capable of making decisions when they are necessary. But I don't make my future my entire life, because I have other things that seem more important to me. Life should be a nice blend of the past, the present, and the future. And none of this is new information to anyone, I know. Live in the now, but be mindful of the past and the future, something like that. I don't know where this is going at all. Maybe I am fake. But I hurt, and I shouldn't, and I know that I don't have to, but don't know what to do to make it stop. I'm going to go hug my Stitch and Basil and dream of happier things.
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