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12:07 a.m. - 31.10.02 Willow and Oz, Commando Xander, and the Halloween episode Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer never fails to make me happy. Spike : "This is just...neat!" Giles and backstory also equal cool squared. I feel overwhelmed. My parents just received the paper work for Japan, I have two research papers to worry about, etc. etc. But I don't feel like talking about it now at all, so I won't! I just watched Buffy to make myself feel better and will ride the happiness until I sleep :). Tomorrow's Halloween, trick or treating and costumes, which should be keen, and snap me out of my semi-funk. If only I could make myself more responsible. I really have to get after myself more. I have the drive, I have the ability (I think - or so everyone tells me, anyway), I just am easily distracted. And I have the guilt that comes from not doing my best and not succeeding as well as I would hope to. But there is Tori! I am not going to make any decisions on the new album yet, because I only listened to it once while doing work (which means NO listening to the lyrics or anything beyond the melody, really). So! I do like it, though. The special edition came with all sorts of fun stuff : 12 replicated photographs (made to look like polaroids), a map of the album's journey with the song lyrics on the back, a DVD with videos for "a sorta fairytale" and "gold dust" with commentary, and a little charm! Mine is a seahorse. Oh, and I did my laundry. oh the excitement. My mother told me today that she has skin cancer on her forehead, but she says that everything is ok and that it is common, but I am still very worried about her. She joked with me that yes, it has spread to the brain, and I didn't take it very well and started crying and haven't really felt very good since then. It just wasn't funny at all, you don't joke about things like that. My grandfather had surgery, but he is ok and getting better, but now my grandmother is sick and in the hospital. And there is nothing I can do about any of this except wish them well and pray. In Intro to Lit today we went to the library to be taught all about research materials, which was helpful despite the fact that I knew the majority of the information already. I did learn how to use some sources I didn't know about that will be VERY helpful, though, so that is exciting. Everything is made to seem like a big deal, and I guess it is, but somehow in my head I can't make anything I do seem overly ambitious. The work I do now seems no different from the work I did in highschool, so I don't feel the need to make a big deal out of it most of the time. I don't FEEL any smarter, and I guess that that makes me think that the quality of the work I produce isn't evolving in any way. And maybe it actually isn't. So I have to write a 17-20 page research paper for Chinese History and Thought. Is that so difficult? Sure it is time consuming, but will it's quality be any different from the quality of the papers I normally write? It's going to be the same semi-half-assed yet wholehearted paper I always write, just longer, more drawn out, and chock full o' information. It won't be BETTER, it won't signify that I am SMARTER. It doesn't signify progress, or education. Its just time. I don't know where I am going. I'm just down, lately. Disatisfied with the discrepancy between what I think I should be and what I think I am. But of course, none of that matters as much as my mom and grandmother getting well...
But! oh well! It's ok, and will be ok, everything will be fine tomorrow :). Hopefully it doesn't rain anymore - soggy trick or treating isn't too much fun.
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